Shauna Niequist’s book, Present Over Perfect, was like reading pages out of my own diary with talk of moving away from a life of exhaustion, comparison, and competition and moving toward meaning, connection, and unconditional love.
I’m an admitted workaholic people pleaser. I pride myself in being an “all in” kinda girl going hard for those who I deem to be worthy of getting the best of me. That doesn’t mean those individuals may be deserving of what that means to get the best of me. I’ve had some hard lessons over the years about individuals who will use me to get what they want. I watched my savings account get sucked dry, I put in effort with nothing in return, I experienced emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and a handful of other awful experiences as well.
I’ve gotten better about ridding my life of toxic people and ending relationships that don’t serve purpose in my life.
The most powerful message from the book I got was that love is not calculated. It’s not something that can be bought, earned, or hustled for. It’s discovered in the act of being exactly who you are.
One thing I am still a work in progress with is with my work schedule. Work is nonnegotiable. I need my job so my boss will always get the best of me, however, that is where I experience the most burn out. I really don’t know how to slow down.
I’ve been with the company I’m presently at for six years working my way to where I am now by putting in extra hours before and after the 9 to 5’ers and taking on any extra project that was thrown my way. I’ve been told by upper management, so this isn’t just me bragging, how well I do my job setting the standard for excellence and efficiency. I pride myself in my work ethic, but!!!, I’m effin’ tired all the time.
My competitive nature has me trying to beat the bar I set for myself the day before every day but I can’t be outdone anymore. I’ve reached my max capacity.
My days off are spent playing catch up on sleep. My body is telling me I need a break.
Completely out of character but it was like God was calling a cosmic timeout on my life. In these last two months I started putting time down on our work calendar sporadically and mostly in the final hour of a shift to take off the next day and in the middle of the work week. PTO (paid time off) was laced all over that calendar with my name on it and my PTO balance went from two plus weeks worth of time off to having a little over a week’s worth.
Of course my boss and coworkers noticed and they expressed concern about my whereabouts because it wasn’t what they’ve been used to all of these years. I went from losing vacation time at the end of the year to using it up. I had trained an entire group of people that I was reliable and would never say “enough is enough”.
Once I start taking time off from work that feel good mood becomes addicting and I want more of it. This is why work has to be a nonnegotiable for me. I have to suck it up, give it my all, and push through the exhaustion until the weekend.
Naps are like my favorite thing ever now.
Some work nights I’m racing to Little Man’s school to get him picked up in time just to get home to race into the home office to clean up any emails or work that wasn’t completed “in time”. I’ll have guilt that Little Man is left in the house to entertain himself while I pound away at the keyboard trying to make myself feel better when I see him playing on his iPad and grabbing a handful of goldfish crackers for snack. “He’s enjoying things he loves”, I tell myself this to make me feel better. I never feel better until the first and fifteenth of the month when that automatic deposit into my bank account hits from that work paycheck. A little reminder to keep pushing. “I’m doing this for us.”
Sadly, I understand I’m really cashing a reality check and doing nothing about it.
In trying to maintain a home-work-life balance one thing I have successfully done is sitting down to a mostly home cooked dinner Monday through Friday with Little Man and giving him undivided attention. He thrives during this hour or so giving me a minute by minute play-by-play of his day and sometimes it comes in the form of a show as my little actor gets up from the table to re-enact a scene from his day. I sit at that table for as long of a time as he’s willing to give me. This is our time to make a meaningful connection with each other.
I want to create more opportunities for these connections.
I’m putting this in writing here to say that I’m restarting my business. No further details will be given about the nature of the business or what step in the process I am in. Just know. I’m doing it.
Why was it mentioned then?
During my mental breakdown last month I had an epiphany that I can create an even better home-work-life balance for myself as I once had when I was a small business owner. I pretty much had a blank calendar and a bank account that allowed me to fill in my days as I pleased. That is the life I want to create for myself again and to no longer be strung out on the drug of work.
Little Man is the only person who without question deserves the best of me.
I gave my son a day of “yes”. He wasn’t aware I was doing it but I made it a point to say “yes” to everything he wanted and gave him undivided attention when he spoke. He ate apple pie and had hot chocolate for breakfast, I agreed to let him run in the sprinklers in 50 degree weather but he quickly made the right call to give up that idea when he realized how cold it was, he got to sit on the floor in the living room to eat his lunch getting crumbs everywhere, had me watching an hour-long compilation video of sports mascots, got me breaking my Whole30 diet to eat a Chicago style deep dish pizza, and had no set bedtime that evening.
The smiles on both of our faces were genuine and the happiness we felt was restoring. We both need me to slow down and be present over perfect more often than not.
So ask yourself…
- What would you do if you had a blank calendar and a bank account as full as you wanted? and,
- What makes you say “must be nice”?
Answer these questions honestly and then come up with an action plan to make those wants possible.
The BABE & BABIES 